When my ex and I were still together, we fought a lot. Actually I don’t think a lot begins to sum it up. We fought every single day of the week two, three, four times a day. Tempers were all ways hot. There was never a calm moment between us. Unfortunately this was also taken out on the kids. I can’t say just by her either. By both of us.
There were so so many times I would start yelling at my boys at the top of my lungs. There were times I spanked them harder then I should have. There were times I totally freaked on them when I had no business doing so. There were even times I flipped out on them in the same manner I woulds a grown man (although NEVER physically).
When I yell, I scare my kids. I can literally yell in such a voice either of my boys will stop dead in there tracks, fall to the floor, and start crying. It was so bad at one point, my youngest son told me to go away. They never wanted to be with me. They wanted to live with mommy but never me.
Well sense I am not with my ex anymore, everything about me is different. I no longer spank my kids and I no longer yell at them. I talk to them like I would any other person. I calmly ask them why they were doing what ever it is they were doing wrong. I ask them if thy new it was wrong. I ask them why its wrong. Then I explain to them why what they were doing was wrong.
At the worse case senario I will ask them “do you want me to yell” and whatever behavoir adjustment is needed, is usually taken care of. So I was talking with my youngest son why he was here, and guess what? He says he wants to move in with me now. I asked him why and he says I am more fun and I don’t yell much anymore. I asked him “much?” and he says that I still yell at him when he won’t get his pajamas on.
I asked him if gandma and grandpa yell and he said yes. I asked him if mommy yells, and he said yes. In fact he says she still yells a lot but not as much as she used to (obviously she is also not as stressed). I truly rarely punish my kids anymore. I reward them for things they do wrong, but rarely punish them. I am finding the more I do this, the less often they lie about things. They know that they can tell me and I am usually good about not punishing them.
So my take on punishments is one should not yell or spank or any of those things. Simple talking works wonders. However at the same time I know my kids are scared to death of me because of how I used to be. So I still wonder if fear and respect don’t go hand in hand.
I have a 12 y.o. and a 3 y.o. My 12 y.o. was an exceptional infant and toddler and preschooler. I tried to use words to correct her that didn’t include no- like stop, be-careful, mommy doesn’t like that etc. Shortly after she changed – she became very restless, marked difficulty following directions, “daydreaming/ tuning out”- she was dx with ADHD after almost being expelled from kindergarten. She was functional and intelligent but constantly getting in-trouble with the teachers for not following directions, being disruptive- on and on. That’s when I started yelling at home, yelling at her. I started being very stressed out. She listened very well to her Dad but gave me the hardest time, a little at first- then constantly when she and I were alone.
The second one came when she was nine and certainly there was a bit of rivalry but not as bad as I thought it might be. Now my oldest has been a challenge for me for sometime at that point and yelling became my tool of choice as well as constant speeches/ preaching. I was mentally exhausted and so very dejected ” why can’t we get along , without the yelling”.
Life marches on and now the baby by the age 2 in her limited words – starts yelling at her sister when she comes into proximity of her or after I yell back and forth – do this, time for that- she’s my little echo. I was stunned when I finally stopped to notice.
My husband and I rarely cross words and in 18 years have maybe 1 or 2 twice raised our voices in anger to each other.
Yelling doesn’t work well, spanking doesn’t work well – trying to make another person feel your anger at the moment your angry just doesn’t seem to change behaviors only creates a negative condition on so many levels.
I make an effort to be in my 12 y.o. presence now so she has to look at me , maybe repeat instructions or the point of correction and I hold her and tell her I have such a special job to be sure I teach the Right Things, The Right Way and when is The Right Time to do them because one day soon She will have to Remember All the Rights so she will safe when moms’ not around. I was raised with corporal punishment and to be strong blah blah blah. My mom was a stay at home mom- and she was a yeller and spanker and I only remember she had little patience and no room/ or time for “wishy washy” as she called hugging and kissing once I got older. It has taken me years to mend the fence she broke because she was only willing to do things one way. I have always said I would be different with my kids and I started becoming like my mom in the discipline department but I saw, thanks to the 2.y.o just how I really was and I promised to change.
My 12y.o. and I still have rough patches but I stop myself before and right when I go to open my mouth- calm down and think how can I make this into a positive that will make her want to do different or better the next time. I try not to reprimand her in front of her sister or other people- unless she’s in grave danger- it usually can wait. It was hard to fight my impulses at first but I kept at it and I noticed a fair amount of change and less stress. I told her one day that parents make mistakes but since we’re all grown up we have to pay attention so we can fix them and we get distracted and sometimes don’t notice right away. She was shocked- she thought grown ups were perfect! I still talk a lot with her, but I try to get her to talk so I have to listen. I try to make it more dynamic- I have gotten pretty creative. Work Work Work, but she is worth every bit of effort.
By: daria on May 15, 2008
at 12:24 pm
It’s good that you have peace of mind now without your ex.You simply can’t be a good team. I am glad me and my husband never yell at each other. We see to it that if we do disagree, or if we really need to diagree about something: it will always be in private. I know that marriage life is not perfect but i don’t want my kids see me or my husband yelling each other.
By the way, i added you already in my blogroll under my Blooming Blogs’ list. You can check it out. Please let me know once you added me. It is a pleasure meeting you online.
By: Prily on May 18, 2008
at 6:53 pm