I think both of you must get together and live together again. Forget whatever that happened between you and her. Just for the kids.

This is part of a comment left on the site by Guttu. He is not alone in this thought either, which is why I am addressing this publicly and not just in a private email. A lot of people have a firm belief the best thing for kids is for the parents to stay together at any and all cost.

I will admit there are some situations where a couple should stay together. Perhaps seek out relationship counseling and do everything they can to fix their relationship for that of their children. My situation however, that is not possible.

Let me start by saying nothing would make me a happier person then to fix our relationship, not just for our kids but for ourselves as well. However this is not a decision I can make on my own. No matter how hard one partner tries, if the other partner is not interested its simply a lost cause.

The relationship between myself and my children’s mother is one such case. I love her dearly and I always will. However thats not nearly enough. Although my ex did in fact love me with her whole heart at one time, that time has long sense past. I abused that love, I abused her, and things got way out of hand. I did things to her that are unforgivable.

This isn’t an adult blog so I can’t go into the full details of things, however I can say because of what I did, there is no fixing our relationship. She no longer loves me but instead holds hatred in her heart for me. She has full reason to feel this way. However because she feels this way, and because she can never truly forgive me, we can never work things out.

If we are around each other for more then a couple hours somehow or another a fight gets started. Its either because I say something stupid that pisses her off, or we disagree about the children, or its about my lifestyle, there is always something. It never fails. I have broken her trust so many times that no matter what we do there is always going to be a little voice in the back of her head telling her she can’t trust me.

When we were together we were abusive to each other. We would scream nonstop. At times we both got very physical with each other. I remember one night she started head butting me in the face until I started punching her in the mouth. Abuse was a constant between us. There was even sexual abuse. I am not proud to admit these things but they are a sad reality of my past.

Do they make me lesser the man? Yes they do. I will be the first to admit it. I was not even a man during some of these things. I became a monster. I don’t know why. It just happened.

So should we try to fix things? As I said, I wish we could but unless we are BOTH willing to truly forgive, forget, and try as hard as we can then it is not something that can be fixed. On top of that, it is far healthy for the kids to have to live with their grandparents and only visit mommy and daddy then it is for them to live in an environment where they see and hear constant abuse. So much so that at times they even get brought into it, or things get taken out on them when it never should happen that way.

I will never stop loving my ex. I love her with my whole heart. I wish and pray that at some point I can still marry her. She truly became my entire reason for existing at one point. However I have spent so much time trying to convince her we should be back together that my own life was put on hold.

I still hope in the back of my mind someday things will get fixed between us. However I have also learned that as much as I hope it, its not something I can wait for. I have to move on for my sake, for my happiness, and my happiness ultimately also means the happiness of my children.

So I have two final things to say about this matter:

First, if you are over 18 and really want to know more about what happened between us, check out the following link: http://www.alternativealbany.com/alternativealbany/?p=210 I warn you, this is NOT for the judgmental or the faint of heart. It is also not meant for close minded people, not meant for people who think sadomasochism is wrong/evil, and NOT MEANT for anyone under 18!

Second, if anyone really wants to continue to advise that we get back together for the sake of our kids, please feel free to tell my ex about it, not me. Truthfully if she ever gave me even the slightest hint of fixing things, I would definitely be all for it. So go visit her and leave her a comment at Queen Rachel’s Blog